
When Winning the Argument Costs the Relationship
In the heat of disagreement, the war that many of us wage boils down to the battle to be "RIGHT." It's a common scenario where we choose the validation of our own views over the health of our relationships. But at what cost?
Impatience = Self Importance
When someone fails to meet our expectations or see the world as we do, it can trigger an immediate reaction of anger. This might be due to a conflicting political stance, slower pace, different methods of task completion, or even their general demeanor. We might find ourselves thinking, "Why can't they just understand? Why can't they move or work quicker? How can they be so stupid? Why can't they just do it my way?" Their differing attitude feels like a personal rejection — a direct challenge to our identity. It's not.
Road Rage • Political Disagreements • Others Lack of Urgency • Refusal to Comply
Anger Hurts
Upset stems from a deeper place - it is our need to control and feel secure in our environment. When our control is challenged, our response can be disproportionate, leading to emotional upset, which rears its head with insults, belittling, explosive anger, or violence. Control yourself; it is childish not to handle upset with restraint and hurts the other person more than you know. (Note: Violence in any form is never ok, even if it is to an inanimate object!)
You Both Share the Desire to Be Heard & Understood
On the flip side, the person receiving your frustration isn't just a passive participant in this drama. You may think they are the "cause" of your upset, but they also desire to be heard, validated, and not bullied into compliance.
The Blame Game
Their opinions, no matter how different, actually do matter. It is 100% possible to hear, understand, validate, and confirm a person's point of view without concession. However, if you both have the egotistical need to "WIN," it can cause each party to defend themselves and play the blame game.
Seek Compromise, not Compliance.
When we insist on being "RIGHT," we listen to respond - mentally formulating our rebuttal - and do not truly hear what is said. Inattentive listening dismisses the other's perspective. There's nothing more frustrating than carefully articulating your point just to be ignored. Dismissal can be deeply alienating and cause the business or personal relationship to crumble and the emotions to escalate. Genuine active listening allows you to hear what is important to the other party and find a middle ground to soothe the upset.
The Cost of Being Right
Choosing to stand firm and insist on being "RIGHT" is choosing to kill the future of the relationship. Relationships are not damaged by respectful disagreements but are murdered by a thousand angry cuts - raised voices, physical outbursts, hitting walls, throwing objects, cursing, or name-calling, all of which simply escalate the drama. This type of behavior is nothing more than a grown-ass-adult-tantrum because one wants things their way, period. Grow up for goodness sakes! Step back and evaluate before it goes too far.Â
Stop Gaps
In personal relationships, one idea is to institute a silly code word (ie: Fluffy Bunny) that declares that you do not want to continue talking until you have considered and processed what has been said. It is a way to acknowledge that emotions are too high and you love them enough to stop the conversation. Pause to reflect and engage when emotions are calmer. Only discuss again when you are confident that you each can better articulate your points rather than to respond in reactionary defense mode. Writing your points down can help you organize your thoughts and be intentional to share your love as you have your discussion.
Ask Yourself
In 10 years, will the subject of this argument truly matter? Is it really worth falling on sword of your opinion or lording it over your loved one by having won decisively?
Each argument and disagreement chips away at the relationship that once bound two people together. Regardless if you are business associates, friends or lovers, over time, a relationship doesn't just fade away; it's often actively destroyed; murdered by ego and pride...leaving behind only the hollow victory of being "RIGHT." Bravo.
The Hard Truth: Accept You are Both Wrong.
At the end of the day, you can indeed be "RIGHT." You can win every argument and stand on your moral highground with superiority, but at what cost? You might find yourself alone, surrounded by the echoes of your own self-righteousness. Remember, it takes two people to have an argument, one may be the aggressor but the recipient may react harshly, punish in response, or shut down. None of which is healthy. Everyone needs to accept their role in how things play out.
The Hollow Victory of Winning the Battle
The battle to be right, when it sacrifices the essence of human connection, is a painful and hollow victory. Instead, let's strive for a world where the victory is measured by the strength and health of our relationships, not by the score of our arguments. Being alone is the true defeat.
Although you may never wish to change your position, you can support others in theirs. So they like the towels in squares and you like to roll them up; fold in squares. Why does it matter in the grand scheme of life? Your relationship is far more important than "insert drama here."
The antidote to this battle is not in silencing oneself or in losing one's individuality, but in finding common ground. By being intentionally respectful and humble. You can have a differing opinion and still validate another's right to believe as they wish. Prove you can see and fully understand their point by explaining it back to them to their satisfaction. It doesn't mean you concede and fully accept their stand now as your own, it simply means you acknowledge their opinion as valid, and that their feelings and emotions matter to you because you care for them.
PICK YOUR BATTLES WISELY
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We have to think in the grand scheme of life.
Love the graphics! Great tools for understanding and discerning other’s. To think 360 before damaging a relationship